I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
"you forgave and I won’t forget" -mumford&sons ‘I Will Wait’
what. a. great. day.
best part: morgs calling to ask what i want to eat at her wedding. yes- her wedding. an invite and a delicious decision to make all at once.
i can’t believe she and sam are getting married in a month. ONE MONTH. crazy! exciting! awesome!
i’m so thankful for them. together and individually they have been an enormous blessing to me. i love them so very much and am unreal amounts of PUMPED to share in their big day with them!
I hadn’t heard from him in a year and a half. A year and a half. Wow. It’s nice that he thought to wish me a happy birthday but it almost would’ve been nicer if he hadn’t. Not that I don’t appreciate it because, really, I do. I just didn’t appreciate how it made me feel.
At first I was surprised and thanked him but then the fluttery feeling of ‘will he text me back?’ came which was closely followed a wave of- I don’t even know. Sadness, bitterness, hurt, anger. And it made me think. I don’t have feelings for him anymore, I’m not angry at him, I’m not bitter towards him… so why did I feel like this?
Really, it’s simple, I just want an apology. Two words: I’m sorry.
a million times thankful for the beautiful weather, friends and family who love me so much. thankful to be in montreal celebrating the beginning of another year and a new decade of life. thankful for a family that loves me so well and so much even though they’re a long way away. thankful for the invention of facebook that has blessed me with the gift of birthday love from friends who aren’t here with me.
bye bye 19 hello 20.
Doctrine - Mark Driscoll and Gary Breshears
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis
It feels like it was only yesterday that I learned P had cancer. But somehow, at the same time, it feels like he’s been fighting this battle for so long. For every ounce of weary I feel I can only imagine that it’s tenfold for him. It’s funny how such a short time seems like it was such a long journey. It’s incredible how things like “it’s generally resistant to chemo and radiation” or “it’s compressing a major blood vessel and pressing into your pancreas- we can’t operate” turn into “we got it all”.
What a rush. Exhilarating. A sigh of relief. A weight lifted. The beginning of a new journey. Wow.
I never expected to smile, jump and laugh but simultaneously cry upon finding out that P’s surgery was successful. And by cry I mean sob like a baby.
We are so good at blowing off scary things and downplaying reality. When I found out P had cancer it shook my whole world. I didn’t… I couldn’t… wait sorry he has what? The sadness of him not being here weighed on me every day. The fact that it was cancer… really? It infiltrated every part of my life. It was distracting and stressful and scary. But with time the fact he could die just became just that, a fact. I’m a scientist, death is imminent and an essential part of life. It was easy for me to take something so awful and just put it into its own little box- take something that could happen and not give any weight to it whatsoever.
I didn’t process the reality that death was a possibility until it wasn’t. The cancer could have killed him. The medicine could have had no effect. He could have died on the table. His cancer could have been metastatic. But it did and he didn’t and it wasn’t. The weight and reality of it came crashing down over this incredibly euphoric moment. And there I stood, bawling and laughing. Laughing and smiling with tears running down my cheeks saying “it was so scary and now it’s over”.
This is what the other side feels like. Euphoric. Heavy. It’s over. He’s okay.
This is a blessing. I am blessed. He is blessed. We are all blessed.
When I found out P had cancer the first thing I did was run to God. I prayed for two things. The first that P would meet Jesus and the second that he would be cured. Specifically in that order. I prayed for innovative surgeons and a curative surgery. I told my missional community what was happening with P and they too prayed he would meet Jesus and be cured.
I prayed that P would meet Jesus because if he died he would need Jesus more than anything. But now I wonder if God has blessed P with more life so that P can find Him.
From the moment I chose to follow Jesus I have never once not believed. Sure I have stumbled, but never have I struggled with faith. And now, standing where I’m standing, looking at how mightily God has worked over the past 2 months and 3 days, how can I not believe. How can anyone not believe.
This is a miracle. I am so thankful.
Today is a good day. Today is the day they took P’s cancer out. Today is the day he gets to proclaim [to the world of facebook] that he is cancer free. Today is the day I laugh and cry at the same time. Today is the day recovering from surgery begins. Today is the day that we praise Jesus for the brilliant surgeons in this world.
Today is the beginning of the rest of P’s days. Today is the day of freedom from an awful disease.
For those reasons and millions more I thank Jesus. Profusely.
I am speechless but I have so much to say.
SO incredibly, beyond words thankful that surgery is happening! This means the tumors are smaller and the surgeons have clear margins to remove them without taking out his whole stomach. Jesus. Is. So. Good. I am thankful, thankful, thankful. On my knees thankful.